


i lost a friend (like keys in a sofa)

by starsofplastic



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Angst, Bae Joohyun | Irene-centric, F/F, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, One Shot, References to Depression, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-02-27 20:31:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18746572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starsofplastic/pseuds/starsofplastic
Summary: a story about platonic love and heartbreak, which somehow hurts even more.





	i lost a friend (like keys in a sofa)

/

  
  


_ what did i do wrong? _

 

the question echoes inside joohyun’s head. makes her ears bleed. she’s only thirteen. not really a teenager, but still not a child. balancing on a thin thread. she’s young, so please forgive her. she’s only trying to cope with this new feeling.

 

why is her chest so empty?

 

perhaps it’s always been empty and joohyun just didn’t notice, because when she was with seulgi nothing was empty or silent. seulgi made her laugh in a way she hadn’t done in a while. she was a break; a pause in life.

 

it’s sad that breaks are only temporary, but most things are.

 

joohyun doesn’t know how to tell seulgi that she still can recall that one time when the two of them were shopping and seulgi went crazy at the sight of pringles. that she still remember that song seulgi taught her on guitar and she still plays it sometimes.

 

joohyun doesn’t know how to tell seulgi that she still can’t seem to forget the exact way seulgi’s eyes look staring into her own, doesn’t know how to tell seulgi that she still has a photograph of her in her camera that she isn’t going to delete, doesn’t know how to tell seulgi that she still cries over their old messages.

 

joohyun doesn’t know and it’s  _ killing _ her.

 

because,  _ yes _ – this is normal. heartbreak is normal. but the thing is that joohyun and seulgi were nothing but friends. seulgi had others she could contact. and even if joohyun doesn’t admit it (and never will), she didn’t have anyone else.

 

joohyun always ended up being the second choice for the person she loved the most. she can’t really tell seulgi that – can’t tell seulgi anything anymore.

 

but what does joohyun know? she’s only thirteen, she has a lifetime left and a world full of shit in front of her. the path is long and she’s still so young. she can’t know heartbreak if she’s never even been in love.

 

it’s just that– joohyun  _ has _ been in love. kind of  _ is _ at the moment.

 

the kind of love joohyun is currently drowning in isn’t the romantic kind. she’s never been much for roses and chocolates, walking in the park or watching the sunset. kissing and having sex– she’s  _ thirteen _ , for christ’s sake.

 

(to be honest, joohyun’s a bit tired of hearing that sentence.)

 

the only thing she wants is a warm hand to hold and an open embrace to fall into. she wants blue eyes and toothy smiles, mono eyelids and calm gazes, quiet laughter and girly giggling, closed mouth kisses on pink cheeks. she wants a girl with long hair and bangs to look at her and say  _ “i love you too.” _

 

because joohyun has already said the first three words. if not with her vocal cords, with her eyes. maybe not formed with lips and tongue but lingering touches and longing stares.

 

sometimes joohyun can’t really sleep and sits up at two am reading through her and seulgi’s old conversations on snapchat, crying silently and wishing to let out the sobs that always die in her throat.

 

seulgi was a temporary bandaid to the wound in joohyun’s heart.

 

joohyun is blinded by her sorrow and she’s mourning a death that has not yet occurred. let her be, she’s sad. writing shitty poems will make her heart bleed a bit more. staring at forgotten pictures and conversations will bring tears to her eyes.

 

she’s  _ only thirteen  _ but here she is: feeling oddly empty and not quite knowing how to cope.

 

joohyun’s not a child but still not a teenager. everyone’s a bit messed up, some more than others. sometimes it feels like you’re the only one in the world feeling this lonely and sad and heartbroken (and probably depressed), but– you’re not.

 

right now, at this moment, joohyun feels like her ribs are a cage that she can’t escape from. like everything in her life was emptying itself out. like she’s utterly and inexplicably lonely. and it feels like everything is her fault.

 

and  _ oh _ – if joohyun didn’t feel like she was choking on words each time she spoke to seulgi she would say so much. poetry, pretty words, and metaphors.

 

( _ “it’s okay,” _ she would say. _ “it’s hard to keep the colors inside the lines, so paint me quickly.” _ )

 

joohyun’s still trying to keep herself together and hold onto seulgi. she can’t have both – she knows this – but she’s still trying. one arm around her petite frame and another grasping at seulgi’s slim wrist.

 

somehow she lost both battles and now the only thing left of her is the broken pieces on the bathroom floor (where bloodstains dry in the cracks and seep through the tiles).

 

she’s read about these things. how it’s ugly and raw to be this sad. but when joohyun looks into the mirror she can’t see it. layers upon layers of skin still cover her insides. she doesn’t  _ look _ broken. just feels like it.

 

maybe that’s the scary part. maybe it’s not everyone leaving you, maybe it’s you leaving them; you falling apart without any evidence.

 

but, then again– what does joohyun know? she’s only thirteen, not really a child but still not a teenager. so young and with so much worse shit in front of her. _ she’s just thirteen. _

 

she wonders:  _ what did i do wrong? _

 

the question echoes inside joohyun’s head.

  
  


/


End file.
